mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
