I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
