I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
