I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
