man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Vodka?
Forever.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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