Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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