so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
