I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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