One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
