And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
