is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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