Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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