I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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