Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
