Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
