I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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