just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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