You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Randomize
