You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
