who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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