If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
