Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Small penises have feelings too.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
