he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
