My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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