i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
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