Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
