I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
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