I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
