I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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