I faked an abortion last night.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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