Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
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