Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i used baking grease as lip gloss
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
