there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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