if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
