Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
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i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
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wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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