Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
