shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
