i wish there were pregnant emoticons
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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