Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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