So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
