It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
