I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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