You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
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If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
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if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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