Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
