I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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