who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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