I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
