Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
