I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
