On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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