nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
