I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
We got so high we made milksteak
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
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