alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
