note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
