it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
