can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
