I am spending my child support on dildos
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
