Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
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She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
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World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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