Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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